The following is an actual transcript of a fictional cable news program which is, to be honest, probably not any worse than anything currently on the air.
HARDCASE: Good evening. I’m Chris Hardcase, and you’re watching Curveball. Tonight we’re devoting the entire hour to the Swine Flu pandemic. This is the greatest crisis to hit the world since President Obama’s (Hardcase’s right leg begins jittering uncontrollably) election. Even as we speak, hospital emergency rooms across our nation are being swamped with reporters and camera crews filing live reports. The Center for Disease Control is working twenty-four hours a day now, trying to get a grip on this crisis. According to reports, up to 20% of their research staff has been pulled out of their laboratories to handle media inquiries. On the show tonight we have Tom Vlasic of the United States Department of Agriculture, Jane Neapolitan from the Department of Homeland Security, and Trancazo Enfermedad from the Mexican Embassy here in Washington to discuss the pandemic. How bad is it? Whose fault is it? Are we all going to die? But first, a special report from Kim Collagen. Kim?
COLLAGEN: Chris, I’m standing in front of the Center for Disease Control headquarters where Dr. Upton Chuck has just released new information on the scope of this crisis. According to the latest figures, more than fifty people in six states have already fallen victim to this silent, lethal killer.
HARDCASE: Fifty? Are you sure? (Hardcase’s face is ashen). This is worse than we thought.
COLLAGEN: (Solemnly). It gets worse, Chris.
HARDCASE: Worse? How is that possible? Oh, Obama (his right leg jitters uncontrollably) save us.
COLLAGEN: Chris, I’m sorry to say, but we may never know how severely this epidemic has hit us. According to Dr. Chuck, efforts to get an accurate count have been handicapped by the fact that many people have already recovered from this lethal disease, and in other cases, people assume that they are “just suffering from the flu.” They might have Swine Flu and not even realize it. The CDC is urging anyone who feels the least bit nauseous, or who thinks they might have a head cold or sore throat, to go to the nearest emergency room at once. The authorities need to get as accurate account as possible. I’m Kim Collagen, reporting from Atlanta.
HARDCASE: Thanks, Kim, for that terrifying report. Now, let’s turn to our panel. Swine Flu. How bad is it? Can we blame this on Bush, and are we all going to die? Let’s start with Tom Vlasic. Tom, how bad is it? Can we blame this on Bush, and are we all going to die?
VLASIC: Those are tough questions, Chris. First, let me say that we aren’t all going to die. Probably not even half of us.
NEAPOLITAN: Half of us?
VLASIC: That’s what I’m hearing.
NEAPOLITAN: (Sighing with relief). Whew, then it’s not as bad as we expected.
VLASIC: True, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t in a crisis. In fact, one of the worst aspects of it, and one which has received very little play, is the impact this epidemic is having on the pig population, or our porcine citizens, as we at the USDA like to call them.
HARDCASE: What kind of impact, Tom? Can pigs get swine flu, too?
VLASIC: Well, it’s not so much that they can get sick, though they can, but the name itself. The Secretary feels that calling this a Swine Flu epidemic will have the effect of stigmatizing our porcine citizens. I don’t think that’s the kind of thing we as Americans should be doing.
HARDCASE: (Frowning). That’s a good point, Tom. I hadn’t thought of that. So, what should we do? I mean, we have to call it something.
VLASIC: Well, we’ve been kicking a few ideas around over at the USDA, and right now we’re leaning toward calling it The Other White Meat Flu.
HARDCASE: Okay, got it. The Other White Meat Flu it is. Yes, Mr. Enfermedad–do you mind if I call you Trancazo?
ENFERMEDAD: Si, uh, sure. Whatever you want. But I’m sitting here listening to all of you go on about this--I’m sorry, I’m sticking with Swine Flu-- epidemic, and one thing I’m not hearing is any kind of apology for the slander against my country.
HARDCASE: Your country. That would be Mexico?
NEAPOLITAN: Mexico? That sounds familiar. Where is Mexico again? I’m drawing a blank.
HARDCASE: What is it you do at Homeland Security, Jane?
NEAPOLITAN: I’m Director of Border Control, and believe me, if it were possible to stop this epidemic, you can be sure we at Homeland Security would have already done it. It’s not like it was under the last administration, when they couldn’t even stop a hurricane. We take our job very seriously.
HARDCASE: Well, that’s good to know. And it’s true, since Barack Obama (Hardcase’s leg begins jittering again, causing him to pound on it repeatedly) was elected, correct me if I’m wrong, but not a single hurricane has struck this nation.
NEAPOLITAN: Well, hurricanes are one thing, but lethal epidemics which sweep across the country so fast that people recover before they even knew they were dying, that’s something else. We’ve been looking at all sorts of solutions. Some of them are quite draconian. In fact, we’ve even had to pull people away from their surveillance jobs–
HARDCASE: (Horrified). You mean–
NEAPOLITAN: (Grimly). Yes, there are hundreds of VFW halls in this country that aren’t being monitored. But this is a crisis, and we only have so many resources. We can only hope these disgruntled vets don’t choose this moment to strike–
HARDCASE: Well, that’s getting awfully close to a future episode, so let’s just stick to the crisis at hand. What are some of the steps Homeland Security is prepared to take?
NEAPOLITAN: Well, we have considered closing our borders, for one thing.
ENFERMEDAD: No! You cannot do this thing! It would be a disaster!
NEAPOLITAN: (Laughing). I’m sorry Mr. Enfermedad. I should have been more clear. We were only thinking about closing the official crossing points.
ENFERMEDAD: (Fanning himself with a handkerchief). Oh, gracias. Thank you. El Caudillo will be very happy to hear this.
NEAPOLITAN: Not at all. Anything to help a neighbor. That’s right, isn’t it? You’re a neighbor.
ENFERMEDAD: Right next door, for the time being.
NEAPOLITAN: (Making a note). Good, I’ll have to remember that. Anyway, it looks like we aren’t going to close any borders after all. According to my boss, The Other White Meat Flu is moving too quickly for it to do any good. One thing we are doing though, is effective immediately, we’re requiring airline passengers to start removing their socks, as well as their shoes.
VLASIC: I don’t get it. What good will that do?
NEAPOLITAN: Well, it won’t do any good at all, Tom. But it will look like we’re doing something, and isn’t that what it’s all about?
HARDCASE: Well, that’s all the time we have tonight. Join us tomorrow, that is, if you’re still alive, when we’ll have Justin Timberlake, Brad Pitt and Barney Frank to discuss “Michelle or Jackie: Who’s Hotter?”