Back in the early nineties there was a groundbreaking show on Nickelodeon called “Clarissa Explains it All,” in which Melissa Joan Hart played a spunky, perky, wise-beyond-her-years teenaged girl who set things straight for her viewing audience . These days the White House is airing a sequel, called “Gibbs Explains it All,” in which Robert Gibbs plays a spunky, perky, wise-beyond-his years White House Press Secretary who sets things straight for his viewing audience.
Among the more popular episodes in this exciting new series was “The King and Eye Level,” in which Gibbs explained that President Obama hadn’t actually bowed down to the King of Saudi Arabia, saying, “No, I think he bent over with both, to shake–with both hands to shake his, so I don’t–“
Coming on the heels of daily explanations of why yet another cabinet nominee selected during the smoothest transition in the history of the world had to resign, Gibb’s performances soon became one of the hottest tickets in town.
One of the problems with running a successful improv act is the need to constantly come up with new material. Many observers, while acknowledging Gibb’s early success, expressed doubts about whether he could sustain momentum. Those concerns have been allayed, most recently by Vice President Joe Biden’s calming words about The Other White Meat Flu Epidemic.
In remarks aired on NBC’s “Today Show,” Biden said, “I would tell members of my family, and I have, I wouldn’t go anywhere in confined places now. It’s not that it’s going to Mexico. It’s that you’re in a confined aircraft. When one person sneezes, it goes all the way through the aircraft. That’s me. I would not be, at this point, if they had another way of transportation, be suggesting they ride the subway.”
While this might seem like the kind of advice any concerned parent might give to his children, especially if they couldn’t find alternative means of transportation, such as, say, Henny Penny, Goosey Loosey or Turkey Lurkey, the fact that the Number Two elected official was telling people not to leave their homes struck terror in the hearts of travel and transportation professionals. It also departed dramatically from the official White House line of “Be concerned, but don’t be alarmed. Now go wash your hands.”
Something had to be done, and done quickly. Suddenly, Robert Gibbs came to the rescue with the latest installment of “Gibbs Explains it All.” When ABC’s Jake Tapper asked Gibbs if he could explain Biden’s “fear-mongering,” Gibbs replied, “I think the–what the Vice President meant to say was–uh, the same thing that, uh, again, many members have said in the last few days and nights, if you feel sick, uh, if you are exhibiting symptoms, flulike symptoms, coughing, sneezing, uh, runny nose, uh, then you should take precautions, that you should, uh, limit your travel.”
When Tapper responded, “With all due respect, that doesn’t sound remotely like what he said,” Gibbs brought the house down by saying, “I understand what he said, and I’m telling you what he meant to say.”
Gibbs could probably do the world a service by helping us understand what other historic figures meant to say when they said what they said.
When Nathan Hale said “I regret that I have but one life to give to my country,” Gibbs could explain that he meant to say, “Uh, hello? Wasn’t someone going to rescue me?”
When Winston Churchill said “We shall fight them on the beaches, we shall fight them on the landing grounds, we shall fight them in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight them in the hills; we shall never surrender,” what he meant was, “Maybe if the Japanese bomb Pearl Harbor I can get Roosevelt off his duff and the Yanks will bail us out again.”
When John F. Kennedy said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country,” what he meant was “Say, is that Judith Exner in the third row?”
When Richard Nixon said, “I am not a crook,” what he meant was “But I am a sneak and a liar.”
When Bill Clinton said, “I did not have sex with that woman, Miss Lewinski,” what he meant was “Eh heh, heh, heh.”
When Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said “We will wipe Israel off the face of the map,” what he meant was “Can’t we just sit down and talk?”
When Hugo Chavez said, “The devil came here yesterday. It still smells of sulphur today,” what he meant was, “Can’t we just sit down and talk?”
And when Nancy Pelosi said, “Every month that we do not have an economic recovery package, 500 million Americans lose their jobs. I don’t think we can go fast enough,” what she meant was, well, not even “Gibbs Explains it All” could help with that one.