The following is an actual transcript of a fictional cable news program which should probably be censored, just on general principle.

HARDCASE: Good evening. I’m Chris Hardcase, and you’re watching Curveball. Tonight’s show is a big one. This is probably the most important week in the brief tenure of President Obama (Hardcase’s leg begins twitching uncontrollably). The Health Care Reform Bill was introduced on the Senate floor yesterday. Tonight the President will deliver a major address at West Point, where sources say he will announce a surge in troops to Afghanistan. Plus controversy continues to swirl around Michaele and Tareq Salahi, the couple who allegedly crashed a White House dinner. So, we have a lot on our plate tonight, which is why we are devoting the entire hour to Tiger Woods. Why did he crash? Where was he going? What club did Elin use? Can we blame Bush for this? Joining me in the studio tonight to examine this issue are–(Holding his hand to his earpiece). Wait, there’s breaking news. We now switch live to Kim Collagen, reporting from the Treasury Building. Kim?

COLLAGEN: Chris, I’m standing in front of the US Treasury Building–

HARDCASE: The Treasury Building? What is it?

COLLAGEN: It’s that big square building behind me. The one with the columns?

HARDCASE: Uh, yes, go ahead, Kim.

COLLAGEN: Chris, Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner has just announced that he has solved the problem with the deficit.

HARDCASE: Well, that’s fantastic, Kim. So we have a balanced budget now? What did Geithner do, pay his back taxes?

COLLAGEN: Not exactly, Chris. Apparently Treasury has redefined the problem. From now on, instead of talking about deficits, which, according to my sources, arise when expenses exceed revenues, they are going to refer to a disbursement surplus. Geithner says that surplus sounds a lot better than deficit, which should reassure the investment community, as well as the Chinese.

HARDCASE: That’s brilliant. How did he come up with that idea?

COLLAGEN: We understand that the idea didn’t actually come from the Treasury. According to sources, Jane Neapolitan over at Homeland Security gave them the idea when she started referring to terrorist acts as man-caused disasters. Geithner says that sort of rhetorical prestidigitation opened up a world of opportunity.

HARDCASE: Kim, do you actually know what rhetorical prestidigitation means?

COLLAGEN: Uh, no, Chris, I don’t. I just read whatever crosses my TelePrompter. Did I pronounce it okay?

HARDCASE: Yes, you did fine, Kim. But now, back to the issues. With me in the studio tonight are Johnny Shankman, a golf analyst for, uh, NBC, or is it CBS? We also have Athena Wingwin, from Nike, one of Tiger’s biggest sponsors, and Tom Hooker from the National Association of Retailers. Let’s start with Johnny. Why did Tiger crash? Where was he going? What club did Elin use? Can we blame Bush for this?

SHANKMAN: Those are good questions, Chris. Look, any way you slice this, it doesn’t look good for Tiger. I mean, up to this point, his image was pristine. He could get trapped by the bogey man of bad publicity. If I were to hazard a guess, I would say Tiger was definitely the driver of the car. But that doesn’t mean we can’t iron out the problem. A fair way for him to deal with this would be  to simply say, “Gimme a break.” This bad publicity could be the thin end of the wedge.

HARDCASE: Thin end of the wedge? I don’t get it.

SHANKMAN: Well, it’s obvious. This is the first chip in his armor. I mean, up until now Tiger was a clean as an Eagle Scout. This is not the time to be puttering around with excuses. Okay, I understand he’s not feeling up to par, but he needs to get out front on this.

HARDCASE: Good analysis, Johnny. Athena, anything to add?

WINGWIN: Well, Chris, we at Nike are 100% behind Tiger. We are confident that this will blow over. But I do agree with Johnny that whatever stance Tiger takes, he should address it honestly. The last thing we want is for him to lie. Plus, there’s still a lot we don’t understand.

HARDCASE: How so?

WINGWIN: Well, initial reports said he was unconscious. Isn’t it possible he had a stroke?

HOOKER: A stroke? That’s ridiculous, Athena. How can you say he had a stroke? There’s a very simple, and logical explanation for this.

HARDCASE: A simple explanation, Tom? You mean it really is Bush’s fault?

HOOKER: I’m afraid not, Chris. If you look at the timing of the accident, everything comes clear. When did the accident occur? 2:25 a.m., on the day after Thanksgiving. It’s obvious. I think he was trying to get to Best Buy before it opened. He wanted to get a crack at one of those $300 flat screen TVs.

HARDCASE: Well, we’re out of time. But join us tomorrow when Al Gore and Vann Jones join us to discuss Climategate: Is It Just a Lot of Hot Air?
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