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Now that the world’s elected leaders are about to descend on the Global Warmingist Conclave in Copenhagen, true believers enjoy renewed hopes that something can be done to save the planet. If so, the elected leaders will have achieved something beyond the reach of the more than 492,674 leading authorities on Climate Change already present. And not a moment too soon.

As a direct result of the impassioned speeches, furious debates and tens of millions of pages of reports circulated and discussed, carbon dioxide has gone from 383 parts per million (ppm) to more than 497, just in the two weeks the Conclave has run. According to the Environmental Protection Agency, carbon dioxide is one of the most toxic poisons on earth. This manmade pollutant is so lethal that life itself is dependent upon it.

Now that the world’s elected leaders have arrived to take charge, we can be confident that the carbon dioxide crisis will be solved. However, the world still faces enormous threats. Not least among other known sources of global warming is cigarette smoke. Though smoking has been around ever since the first Big Tobacco executive forced the first eight-year-old to light up, the problem has grown dramatically worse due to laws banning indoor smoke. Because smokers are now relegated to the open air, their smoke goes directly into the atmosphere without first being filtered by HVAC systems and the lungs of hapless bartenders and waitresses.

Methane is also a threat to the world’s survival. Though constituting only 1745 parts per billion (ppb), its Global Warming Potential (GWP) is 25 times greater than carbon dioxide. Add to this that methane’s percentage of the earth’s atmosphere has increased 149% since 1750, compared to an increase of only 38% for carbon dioxide, and it is clear that methane is a growing menace.

Thirty-seven percent of yearly methane emissions come from livestock, including a shocking 16% from cows alone. For this reason, and for this reason only, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) is encouraging people to stop eating meat. No doubt it is a noble and sacred cause, but it really doesn’t address the issue. Even if people stop eating meat, or even especially if people stop eating meat, the livestock will still exist. Cows and sheep will continue to belch and fart and heat up the earth. One solution would be to slaughter all livestock, which would result in a short-lived buyer’s market for leather jackets and wool sweaters, but the problem with this is the carcasses would decay, releasing carbon into the atmosphere.

The only solution to this crisis is to load the earth’s livestock onto rocket ships, and send them into space. Of course, the carbon signature of each rocket launch is huge, in some cases, depending on the size of the rocket, exceeding even the carbon footprint of the jet-setting Al Gore and Bill McKibben combined.

However, this is where the green technology revolution can come into play. By devoting Stimulus dollars to solar research, it will be possible to develop solar powered rocket engines. Then we can rid the earth of methane-spewing scourges in an earth-friendly manner. As an added benefit, by launching one Global Warming Denier, cigarette smoker and Tea Bagger for each animal, not only can we eliminate stumbling blocks to genuine reform, but the human population will be greatly reduced. This, too will benefit the earth, allowing us to adopt a more sustainable lifestyle. After all, as McKibben likes to say, “Not everyone can move to Middlebury.”