From: Rahm Emmanuel, White House Chief of Staff (Chief)
To: BHO
Re: Beer Selection
Date: 07/29/09
Boss,
We have the focus group results on your first four beer choices for tomorrow’s summit. Tsing Tao and Kirin were rejected out of hand as “Too Asian.” Framboise initially met strong resistance as the group thought it was French. The resistance increased when we explained it was a raspberry flavored beer from Belgium. One comment was “We don’t want a girly man in the White House.” So we didn’t even bother testing St. Pauli Girl. Bottom line: we think you should go with Bud Light. It resonates with several key demographics, including union members. This show of solidarity will help you recover from the hit you took with the police unions with your “acted stupidly” remark. (BTW, how would you have calibrated the words differently, “stupidly acted?” Just asking).
Also, Bud Light plays well in Ohio, where your support is plummeting. It also scores with most flyover people, who are still upset at your serial apology tours. You know I agree that it was important to get Europe back on our side, but those people don’t do nuance well. And, we will need them on board.
From: BHO
To: “Chief”
Re: Beer Selection
Date: 29/07/09
Okay, if I have to, I have to. But I’m not going to like it. Have you ever tasted that stuff? I still don’t see why I have to have a beer, just because that stupid cop wants one. Why can’t we give him the Bud Light, and I can have a nice, crisp Sancerre. I know Skip would prefer one, too. He just texted me to tell me to brush up on my Red Sox stats so I’ll have something to talk about with Robocop.
From: Chief
To: BHO
Re: Talking Points
Date: 07/30/09
Mi Jefe,
Sorry not to get back to you sooner. I was down ripping anew blowhole in the Blue Dogs. BTW, I think they’re back on board, though I had to threaten to sic Pelosi on them. As for the Red Sox, Skip’s got a good point, but please, no Big Papi references. Apparently he was juicing along with Manny. Sad day for Bosox fans. Just to go over our sked. We’ve arranged for Skip and Robocop to “run into each other” during their private tours of the White House. We figure with their families along it should keep the fireworks down and get things off to a good start. And yes, Crowley will have to hand over his gun and handcuffs before entering. Then around six, the four of you will sit down at the picnic table. Your idea of setting up a bar, so you can each grab your own beer is a good one, but logistically a nightmare. I think it’s okay to just have Julio serve them. The media have agreed to stay behind the ropes, and they have promised not to film or photograph you actually drinking Bud Light.
DONTCALLMEHUSSEINGLOL: Four of us? I count me, Skip and Robocop. Whuddup widdat?
CRISISLUVVER: Joe’s asked to join us. Didn’t you get the memo?
DONTCALLMEHUSSEINLOL: He asked, but I said no.
CRISISLUVVER: Sorry boss. I’ll explain in a memo this is 2 complex for IM-ing.
DONTCALLMEHUSSEINLOL: Can Joe at least drink the Bud Light?
CRISISLUVVER: That’s covered in the memo.
From: Chief
To: BHO
Re: Crashing Joe
Date: 07/30/09
Boss,
We sympathize with you, but after focus grouping the Veep, we came up with some interesting conclusions. 1. We like the balance, two white guys, two black. Some of the participants thought it would look like you and Skip were ganging up on Robocop. This way, Joe’s got his back. (BTW, he’s promised to keep his mouth shut). 2. Our friends at Newsweek tell us Joe plays well with the unions, and other working class people. With you drinking Bud Light, and Joe sitting there, we should be able to keep the unions on board even if we do lose out on card check.
As for Joe drinking the Bud Light, we considered that, but then we started hearing from the reform wing of the party. Basically, what’s with all the beer? What kind of message does that send? It’s bad enough you smoke, now you’re pushing booze? (Their words, I swear). Good points, actually. Surprised we missed it. So, we’ve got Joe drinking a non-alcoholic beer. After all, we don’t want to get MADD mad at us.