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Gibbs Explains it All

 
Back in the early nineties there was a groundbreaking show on Nickelodeon called “Clarissa Explains it All,” in which Melissa Joan Hart played a spunky, perky, wise-beyond-her-years teenaged girl who set things straight for her viewing audience . These days the White House is airing a sequel, called “Gibbs Explains it All,” in which Robert Gibbs plays a spunky, perky, wise-beyond-his years White House Press Secretary who sets things straight for his viewing audience.
 
Among the more popular episodes in this exciting new series was “The King and Eye Level,” in which Gibbs explained that President Obama hadn’t actually bowed down to the King of Saudi Arabia, saying, “No, I think he bent over with both, to shake–with both hands to shake his, so I don’t–“
 
Coming on the heels of daily explanations of why yet another cabinet nominee selected during the smoothest transition in the history of the world had to resign, Gibb’s performances soon became one of the hottest tickets in town.
 
One of the problems with running a successful improv act is the need to constantly come up with new material. Many observers, while acknowledging Gibb’s early success, expressed doubts about whether he could sustain momentum. Those concerns have been allayed, most recently by Vice President Joe Biden’s calming words about The Other White Meat Flu Epidemic.
 
In remarks aired on NBC’s “Today Show,” Biden said, “I would tell members of my family, and I have, I wouldn’t go anywhere in confined places now. It’s not that it’s going to Mexico. It’s that you’re in a confined aircraft. When one person sneezes, it goes all the way through the aircraft. That’s me. I would not be, at this point, if they had another way of transportation, be suggesting they ride the subway.”
 
While this might seem like the kind of advice any concerned parent might give to his children, especially if they couldn’t find alternative means of transportation, such as, say, Henny Penny, Goosey Loosey or Turkey Lurkey, the fact that the Number Two elected official was telling people not to leave their homes struck terror in the hearts of travel and transportation professionals. It also departed dramatically from the official White House line of “Be concerned, but don’t be alarmed. Now go wash your hands.”
 
Something had to be done, and done quickly. Suddenly, Robert Gibbs came to the rescue with the latest installment of “Gibbs Explains it All.” When ABC’s Jake Tapper asked Gibbs if he could explain Biden’s “fear-mongering,” Gibbs replied, “I think the–what the Vice President meant to say was–uh, the same thing that, uh, again, many members have said in the last few days and nights, if you feel sick, uh, if you are exhibiting symptoms, flulike symptoms, coughing, sneezing, uh, runny nose, uh, then you should take precautions, that you should, uh, limit your travel.”
 
When Tapper responded, “With all due respect, that doesn’t sound remotely like what he said,” Gibbs brought the house down by saying, “I understand what he said, and I’m telling you what he meant to say.”
 
Gibbs could probably do the world a service by helping us understand what other historic figures meant to say when they said what they said.
 
When Nathan Hale said “I regret that I have but one life to give to my country,” Gibbs could explain that he meant to say, “Uh, hello? Wasn’t someone going to rescue me?”
 
When Winston Churchill said “We shall fight them on the beaches, we shall fight them on the landing grounds, we shall fight them in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight them in the hills; we shall never surrender,” what he meant was, “Maybe if the Japanese bomb Pearl Harbor I can get Roosevelt off his duff and the Yanks will bail us out again.”
 
When John F. Kennedy said, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country,” what he meant was “Say, is that Judith Exner in the third row?”
 
When Richard Nixon said, “I am not a crook,” what he meant was “But I am a sneak and a liar.”
 
When Bill Clinton said, “I did not have sex with that woman, Miss Lewinski,” what he meant was “Eh heh, heh, heh.”
 
When Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said “We will wipe Israel off the face of the map,” what he meant was “Can’t we just sit down and talk?”
 
When Hugo Chavez said, “The devil came here yesterday. It still smells of sulphur today,” what he meant was, “Can’t we just sit down and talk?”
 
And when Nancy Pelosi said, “Every month that we do not have an economic recovery package, 500 million Americans lose their jobs. I don’t think we can go fast enough,” what she meant was, well, not even “Gibbs Explains it All” could help with that one.
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I Opened a Window . . .

 
The following is an actual transcript of a fictional cable news program which is, to be honest, probably not any worse than anything currently on the air.
 
HARDCASE: Good evening. I’m Chris Hardcase, and you’re watching Curveball. Tonight we’re devoting the entire hour to the Swine Flu pandemic. This is the greatest crisis to hit the world since President Obama’s (Hardcase’s right leg begins jittering uncontrollably) election. Even as we speak, hospital emergency rooms across our nation are being swamped with reporters and camera crews filing live reports. The Center for Disease Control is working twenty-four hours a day now, trying to get a grip on this crisis. According to reports, up to 20% of their research staff has been pulled out of their laboratories to handle media inquiries. On the show tonight we have Tom Vlasic of the United States Department of Agriculture, Jane Neapolitan from the Department of Homeland Security, and Trancazo Enfermedad from the Mexican Embassy here in Washington to discuss the pandemic. How bad is it? Whose fault is it? Are we all going to die? But first, a special report from Kim Collagen. Kim?
 
COLLAGEN: Chris, I’m standing in front of the Center for Disease Control headquarters where  Dr. Upton Chuck has just released new information on the scope of this crisis. According to the latest figures, more than fifty people in six states have already fallen victim to this silent, lethal killer.
 
HARDCASE: Fifty? Are you sure? (Hardcase’s face is ashen). This is worse than we thought.
 
COLLAGEN: (Solemnly). It gets worse, Chris.
 
HARDCASE: Worse? How is that possible? Oh, Obama (his right leg jitters uncontrollably) save us.
 
COLLAGEN: Chris, I’m sorry to say, but we may never know how severely this epidemic has hit us. According to Dr. Chuck, efforts to get an accurate count have been handicapped by the fact that many people have already recovered from this lethal disease, and in other cases, people assume that they are “just suffering from the flu.” They might have Swine Flu and not even realize it. The CDC is urging anyone who feels the least bit nauseous, or who thinks they might have a head cold or sore throat, to go to the nearest emergency room at once. The authorities need to get as accurate account as possible. I’m Kim Collagen, reporting from Atlanta.
 
HARDCASE: Thanks, Kim, for that terrifying report. Now, let’s turn to our panel. Swine Flu. How bad is it? Can we blame this on Bush, and are we all going to die? Let’s start with Tom Vlasic. Tom, how bad is it? Can we blame this on Bush, and are we all going to die?
 
VLASIC: Those are tough questions, Chris. First, let me say that we aren’t all going to die. Probably not even half of us.
 
NEAPOLITAN: Half of us?
 
VLASIC: That’s what I’m hearing.
 
NEAPOLITAN: (Sighing with relief). Whew, then it’s not as bad as we expected.
 
VLASIC: True, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t in a crisis. In fact, one of the worst aspects of it, and one which has received very little play, is the impact this epidemic is having on the pig population, or our porcine citizens, as we at the USDA like to call them.
 
HARDCASE: What kind of impact, Tom? Can pigs get swine flu, too?
 
VLASIC: Well, it’s not so much that they can get sick, though they can, but the name itself. The Secretary feels that calling this a Swine Flu epidemic will have the effect of stigmatizing our porcine citizens. I don’t think that’s the kind of thing we as Americans should be doing.
 
HARDCASE: (Frowning). That’s a good point, Tom. I hadn’t thought of that. So, what should we do? I mean, we have to call it something.
 
VLASIC: Well, we’ve been kicking a few ideas around over at the USDA, and right now we’re leaning toward calling it The Other White Meat Flu.
 
HARDCASE: Okay, got it. The Other White Meat Flu it is. Yes, Mr. Enfermedad–do you mind if I call you Trancazo?
 
ENFERMEDAD: Si, uh, sure. Whatever you want. But I’m sitting here listening to all of you go on about this--I’m sorry, I’m sticking with Swine Flu-- epidemic, and one thing I’m not hearing is any kind of apology for the slander against my country.
 
HARDCASE: Your country. That would be Mexico?
 
NEAPOLITAN: Mexico? That sounds familiar. Where is Mexico again? I’m drawing a blank.
 
HARDCASE: What is it you do at Homeland Security, Jane?
 
NEAPOLITAN: I’m Director of Border Control, and believe me, if it were possible to stop this epidemic, you can be sure we at Homeland Security would have already done it. It’s not like it was under the last administration, when they couldn’t even stop a hurricane. We take our job very seriously.
 
HARDCASE: Well, that’s good to know. And it’s true, since Barack Obama (Hardcase’s leg begins jittering again, causing him to pound on it repeatedly) was elected, correct me if I’m wrong, but not a single hurricane has struck this nation.
 
NEAPOLITAN: Well, hurricanes are one thing, but lethal epidemics which sweep across the country so fast that people recover before they even knew they were dying, that’s something else. We’ve been looking at all sorts of solutions. Some of them are quite draconian. In fact, we’ve even had to pull people away from their surveillance jobs–
 
HARDCASE: (Horrified). You mean–
 
NEAPOLITAN: (Grimly). Yes, there are hundreds of VFW halls in this country that aren’t being monitored. But this is a crisis, and we only have so many resources. We can only hope these disgruntled vets don’t choose this moment to strike–
 
HARDCASE: Well, that’s getting awfully close to a future episode, so let’s just stick to the crisis at hand. What are some of the steps Homeland Security is prepared to take?
 
NEAPOLITAN: Well, we have considered closing our borders, for one thing.
 
ENFERMEDAD: No! You cannot do this thing! It would be a disaster!
 
NEAPOLITAN: (Laughing). I’m sorry Mr. Enfermedad. I should have been more clear. We were only thinking about closing the official crossing points.
 
ENFERMEDAD: (Fanning himself with a handkerchief). Oh, gracias. Thank you. El Caudillo will be very happy to hear this.
 
NEAPOLITAN: Not at all. Anything to help a neighbor. That’s right, isn’t it? You’re a neighbor.
 
ENFERMEDAD: Right next door, for the time being.
 
NEAPOLITAN: (Making a note). Good, I’ll have to remember that. Anyway, it looks like we aren’t going to close any borders after all. According to my boss, The Other White Meat Flu is moving too quickly for it to do any good. One thing we are doing though, is effective immediately, we’re requiring airline passengers to start removing their socks, as well as their shoes.
 
VLASIC: I don’t get it. What good will that do?
 
NEAPOLITAN: Well, it won’t do any good at all, Tom. But it will look like we’re doing something, and isn’t that what it’s all about?
 
HARDCASE: Well, that’s all the time we have tonight. Join us tomorrow, that is, if you’re still alive, when we’ll have Justin Timberlake, Brad Pitt and Barney Frank to discuss “Michelle or Jackie: Who’s Hotter?”
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Words Must Mean Something

 
After listening to the international community fulminate for weeks at the prospect, North Korea blithely launched its latest missile. Though they claimed it was an attempt to launch a satellite into orbit, from which a soundtrack of psalms to Kim Jong-Il would play on a continuous loop, most military and aeronautic experts believed it was in fact a test of the Taepodong-2 ballistic missile.
 
Since the missile will be able to strike the continental United States, and given North Korea’s propensity for marketing military technology to rogue states and terrorists alike, the launch was rightly seen as a destabilizing act. The world stood as one in its opposition to the test. Yet North Korea ignored world opinion. They openly defied the civilized world. They sowed the wind, now they reap the whirlwind.
 
It didn’t take long for the world to react. During a campaign stop in Prague, President Barack Obama declared, “Rules must be binding. Violations must be punished. Words must mean something.” Basking in the outpouring of love and admiration his strong statement engendered, Obama added that ever-popular campaign trail trophe, “Now is the time for a strong international response.”
 
Now is the time indeed. Acting quickly in response to Obama’s charge, the United Nations Security Council held an emergency session Sunday night to debate its response. The choice was stark, the consequences severe. On the one hand, the Security Council could agree to enforce the harsh sanctions enacted two-and-a-half years ago, when North Korea detonated a nuclear device. Others on the council thought that response wasn’t strong enough. The need to send a message was clear, they argued, and rather than simply enforce sanctions already approved, it would be more effective to enact still harsher sanctions, which could then be ignored.
 
The decision so weighty, the divide between the options so profound, the Security Council adjourned the session, agreeing to meet at some later date when they could agree on which option to choose.
 
Though North Koreans were reeling in the face of this devastating international response, Obama felt that more needed to be done. To this end he offered to drastically reduce America’s nuclear arms stockpile. Though his decision was reached unilaterally, the President reached out to our international partners, promising to convene an international summit so other countries could slash their armories as well. Disarming in the face of North Korea’s, and Iran’s active, defiant arming should, if nothing else, embarrass the hell out of those rogue states.
 
As if that weren’t already a huge response, and at the risk of being accused of piling on, Defense Secretary Robert Gates stands ready to join the fray. As part of his eagerly anticipated plan to reshape the U.S. military, Gates is expected to announce today a reduction in funding for missile defense programs.
 
“Words must mean something,” our President says. Actions, too, carry import, and if in the face of defiant militarism we offer to disarm and dismantle our defenses, we are sending a powerful message. It is the kind of message designed to strike fear into the hearts of rogue leaders and terrorists everywhere. But even more important than that, it is the kind of message designed to fill the hearts of European, even French, intellectuals with love.
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The Man Who Saved America

 
September 10, 2001. The United States was mired in an economic slump. It was teetering toward recession, and it was about to get a lot worse. How much worse? The very next day, four Boeing 757's took off from Boston and New York. These planes, capable of carrying close to 250 people each, contained a total of 201 passengers and crew, combined.
 
How do we know this? Because that’s how many people died when they were flown into the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and a field in Pennsylvania. This is one of the forgotten stories of the day which became known as 9/11.
 
When those four planes, two each operated by American and United Airlines, took off on lucrative transcontinental flights, they were barely 20% occupied. When was the last time you were on a flight in which eight out of 10 seats were empty? That is an example of how bad the American economy was on that fateful morning.
 
Needless to say, the economy grew dramatically worse in an instant when those four planes reached their unscheduled destinations. Virtually all business screeched to a halt. The stock markets were closed. Air traffic was discontinued. Shopping malls and grocery stores were vacant. Streets and highways were empty. Normal everyday commerce was abandoned.
 
This would have been a dire development in the best of times, but given the state of the economy before that day began, the situation threatened to spin tragically out of control. If something wasn’t done to encourage people to come out of hiding, the recession could have turned into a depression with far reaching consequences.
 
Enter General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner. Wagoner was stranded in Switzerland. He couldn’t get a flight home, not even on a private jet (this was back in the days when car guys could fly private jets without incurring the wrath of nattering Congressional nonentities), because US air space was closed.
 
It didn’t take a Nobel winning economist to recognize that things were in desperate straits back home, but only Wagoner had the vision to identify a solution. Only Wagoner acted to help get the American economy moving again, to induce American consumers to emerge from their shells.
 
Only Wagoner called the office to tell his company to start selling cars at 0% interest. On September 19, GM introduced the program, and people flocked to showrooms across the country. They went, they kicked tires, they test drove, many of them bought, and they all returned home safely. Gradually, the word went out. It was okay to continue to function. Life would go on.
 
The economy stabilized, at least for another eight years. By that time General Motors was teetering on the edge of collapse. Even if Wagoner had another great idea, it wouldn’t have mattered. He, and General Motors couldn’t have implemented it.
 
This morning Wagoner went to the well one last time. After several years of painful cuts and desperate acts to stave off destruction, the CEO made one last gesture to save his company. Confronted with the Obama administration’s ultimatum, “Either you resign or we let GM fail,” Wagoner fell on his sword, and resigned, in order to buy time for one last infusion of cash, one last chance to allow General Motors to survive.
 
With this last act, Wagoner has ensured that he will go into the annals of popular history as the man who drove the world’s greatest industrial company to the brink of destruction. All the errors in judgement, all the short-sighted decisions, all the criminally stupid styling decisions will be laid, unjustly, at his feet. He will fade away, into obscurity. Into disgrace.
 
Yet before the last shovel of sod is tossed on his professional grave, it should be remembered that, for one shining moment, on September 19, 2001, Rick Wagoner was the man who saved America.
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The Death of Honor

 
It has been a long time since anyone has mistaken the United States Congress for a hotbed of integrity. Hypocrisy, venality and outright corruption have been the qualities most evident in Washington. Men and women in the House and Senate have grown accustomed to holding the truth hostage to personal aggrandizement. The interests of the people, their putative constituents, routinely take a backseat to a politician’s highest duty, which is to get reelected.
 
Yet even with the bar of integrity set in a trench, our nation’s elected officials failed to pass that test during the AIG Bonus affair. From the President to the lowliest Republican Representative, the series of events set in place by the bonuses showed everyone at his or her absolute worst.
 
First we had the Treasury Secretary lying about what he knew about the bonuses and when he knew it. Of course, given the fact that he lied to his former employer and took money for taxes he knew he hadn’t paid, and then lied on his tax forms, and then lied about it to the public before finally coming clean during his confirmation hearings, expecting veracity from him was perhaps indicative of a fatal Pollyanna naivete.
 
Barack Obama fared no better. Faced with an explosion of populist outrage, he once again subsumed the obligations of leadership to the luxury of expedience. Rather than temper the anger with cool reason, he grabbed a pitchfork to get out in front of the mob. As the fires of outrage intensified, the House of Representatives jumped into the fray.
 
Doing what they do best, they mounted another in the series of kangaroo courts which have so sickened the dwindling number of sentient Americans. Clambering atop each other’s slathering visages to cast thunderbolts of invective at hapless witnesses, they played their roles with ogrish abandon. So fervent were they in their antipanegyrics that Obama himself, not long since he was leading the mob, had to call for calm.
 
Whether borne of ignorance or cynicism, they ignored the fact that the “Stimulus Package” they had approved contained language ensuring that the bonuses would be paid, and demanded justice, Old West Style. The gallows were already half-erected when they passed their bill to levy a 91% tax on the bonuses. Since they had passed the stimulus bill without reading it, in answer to their President’s Chicken Little cries, perhaps they remained ignorant of what they had approved. After all, why bother reading something you’ve already passed? That’s why we have hordes of trial attorneys in this country.
 
Still, it defies belief that even this collection of demagogic popinjays were unaware that the bill they enacted in a spittle spewing passion violated the constitution. More damning yet, they likely passed it knowing full well it was illegal. They passed it to send a message to the seething masses that “We are on your side.” Rather than lead, they followed.
 
Consider the sad case of Pete Hoekstra, a Republican Representative from Michigan. Formerly a man of integrity, he voted in favor of the act because “a vote against taxing the AIG bonuses would have been used against him in future political races.” Furthermore, he knew it wouldn’t ever become law, because it was unconstitutional. Thus we have it from Mr. Hoekstra, given a choice between upholding the US Constitution and positioning himself for reelection, he opted to assault the very foundation of this nation, for personal gain.
 
Hoekstra shouldn’t wait to be voted out of office in 2010. He should resign today. He has failed in the most basic duty of a Congressman. Of course, he isn’t alone. There are 327 other Representatives who share his iniquity. If they had any integrity, they would all resign.
 
Of course, if they had any integrity, they wouldn’t be members of Congress.
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A City Full of Idiots

Of all the shabby revelations in the latest batch of Mayoral text messages, the most disturbing is this: “How do you educate voters in a city full of idiots?”
 
For too long Detroit residents have allowed themselves to be manipulated by racist demagoguery, Afrocentrist rhetoric, and ludicrous references to the city’s “jewels.” They need to understand that white suburbanites are not casting greedy glances at the city and its charms. In the eyes of the suburbs, Detroit no longer has any jewels. While there are many suburbanites who want the city to survive, to improve, to return to the ranks of vibrant urban centers, they know they are helpless.
 
It is time for Detroiters to realize this. Furthermore, it is time for Detroiters to realize that their problems start with them, and with their elected leaders who cynically manipulate their fears and frustrations, who employ misdirection to fan resentment at distant suburbs while continuing to feast on the festering corpse of the city.
 
That their leaders think Detroiters are idiots should come as no surprise, because they keep electing them. They reelected a Mayor who treated his first term as a party limousine. They elected a Council President who threatens to shoot people with whom she disagrees. They elected a School Board Member who is unfit to retain custody of his own children. They continue to pay fealty to leaders whose decisions have made their city into a national joke. No wonder they think Detroiters are idiots.
 
Detroiters need to wake up. They need to realize their salvation must begin with themselves. They need to understand that no amount of outside money will help them if it all flows into the pockets of their elected leaders. No amount of stimulus funding will help Detroit students until Detroiters make education their highest priority. It doesn’t matter how many more cops take to the streets if Detroiters continue to reject  the ideal of a civil society. Real change, true reform, must begin with Detroiters. If they don’t demand it, of their leaders, their institutions, and themselves, then they truly are idiots.
 
Now, many Detroiters will respond to this with outrage. “How dare you, a suburbanite, lecture us about our city?” they will cry. The answer is, of course, that except for those shortsighted few who view Detroit as some kind of sick sitcom, who retail tales of Mayoral malfeasance and Council cupidity for the amusement of out of towners, most Metro Detroiters realize that their towns, their homes, their communities all suffer from Detroit’s failures.
 
Suburbanites don’t want “steal Detroit’s jewels,” they want Detroit’s jewels to shine again. They want them to be burnished, to glitter with the light of prosperity. They want to be proud of them, and to proudly declare wherever they go, “I’m from Detroit.”
 
But they can’t do it alone. They can’t begin to take pride in their city until Detroiters take pride in themselves. They need Detroiters to tell their leaders they aren’t idiots, and to stop electing them if they refuse to hear their voices.
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Do it For the Children

When I stopped by my local tobacconist yesterday to pick up another carton, Sonny warned me that beginning April 1, cigarettes will go up 61 cents a pack. “It’s that new tax,” he explained. “For children’s health care.”
 
This got me to thinking. If they raise tobacco taxes too much, people will quit. How will they fund the program then? Possibly, something like this:
 
Dateline: March 3, 2011
 
President Barack Obama stunned reporters today when he lit a cigarette during a press conference. It was his first press conference in six months, ending speculation that he had been ousted by a junta consisting of former President Bill Clinton, his wife, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Vice-President Joe Biden.
 
Obama dismissed his absence from the public by saying he had been “busy with the kids, you know, Parent-Teacher conferences, things like that.”
 
The President lit up when answering a question from Rush Limbaugh about growing deficits in the National Health Service. The following is a transcript of that exchange:
 
OBAMA:  Mmmm, now this tastes good, like a cigarette should. The problem started when we funded the S-Chip expansion with a dramatic increase in tobacco taxes. This worked for awhile until ACORN filed that lawsuit.
 
LIMBAUGH (follow-up): Whoa, ACORN sued you? Why didn’t we hear about this?
 
OBAMA: Because once we pushed through the Fairness Doctrine, and you lost your job, there was nobody left to report it. By the way, how do you like your new gig in the White House Press Corps?
 
LIMBAUGH: It’s alright, I get on TV now and then, and the food’s pretty good in the White House Mess. But what about that ACORN suit?
 
OBAMA: Oh, right. I was hoping you’d overlook that. ACORN sued, claiming that the cigarette tax was discriminatory against poor people and minorities, because they smoke more heavily than wealthy, educated white people do. The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals found in their favor, and directed us to use funds from S-CHIP to help poor people pay for their habits.
 
LIMBAUGH: Wouldn’t it have made more sense to just rescind the tax?
 
OBAMA: We considered that, but we needed the money to help wean middle class children off their reliance on private medical insurance. So we raised the tax another 50 cents.
 
LIMBAUGH: How’d that work out for you?
 
OBAMA: (Crushing out cigarette, and lighting another one). Not so well. You see, being mired in a depression the way we were, poor people were the only ones who could afford to smoke. Everyone else quit. So we had no revenues coming in, and we were paying out so much in smoking subsidies that pretty soon children were once again going without health insurance.
 
LIMBAUGH: So now you’re–
 
OBAMA: One of the great things about being President is being able to use the “bully pulpit.” Incidentally, do you know where that phrase came from? I didn’t until just the other day when Joe Biden explained it to me. It started with Teddy Roosevelt. It seems that once he came back from the Spanish-American war he was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and he started preaching sermons in local churches. If he ever caught anyone sleeping or otherwise not paying attention, he would yell at them. He would bully them until they woke up.
 
LIMBAUGH: Er, are you sure about that?
 
OBAMA: Hey, if Joe says it, it must be true. I mean, you don’t mess with Joe.
 
LIMBAUGH: Okay, but what’s with the smoking?
 
OBAMA: I’m trying to set a good example. We need Americans to start smoking again. We need the tobacco tax dollars to help fund necessary health care reform. So I’m asking all Americans. Please start smoking. Do it for the children.


 

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Oh Baby, Baby

Back before he booked passage on an express train back to the Fourteenth Century, Cat Stevens wrote a song called “Wild World,” which contained the lyrics, “Oh baby, baby it’s a wild world, it’s hard to get by just upon a smile.”
 
These words keep rattling around in my head while I read the daily news. Our nation is mired in a severe economic downturn. It may be the worst recession since 1981. It may be the worst recession since 1973. Surprisingly, there are many, and many in Washington today, who ardently hope these are the worst times since the Great Depression.
 
It is curious to say the least to think that some people who ostensibly have the American people’s interests at heart should pine for the days when nearly one in four Americans couldn’t find a job, when men would abandon their families to wander the roads in search of a few grains of sustenance. But then again, as White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel is fond of saying, “Never let a crisis go to waste.”
 
Fresh from their success with the “Stimulus Package,” the 1,100 page paradigm shift which passed unread, there are those who seek to reshape the way we live and breathe as Americans. By shifting the center leftwards, they seek to institutionalize the greatest growth in the reach and role of government in American history.
 
Regardless of the merits of such a campaign, the single-minded focus on domestic concerns ignores the certain reality that we are living in a dangerous world. While we spend time debating bailouts and tax increases, those who were plotting to kill Americans when George W. Bush was President continue to plot to kill Americans today. Those who sought to undercut American authority, influence and power under Bush continue to do so today. In fact, they are doing so at an ever-increasing rate.
 
Barack Obama’s offer to extend an open hand of peace seems to have been met with the mailed fist of hostility. Russia is busy calving off the components of its former empire, militarizing Ossetia and Abkhazia, intimidating Ukraine, buying off Kyrgystan, and shaking the faith of former Warsaw Pact nations in the reliability of their western allies. Iran is moving ahead with nuclear weapons development and thumbing their nose at American overtures. North Korea is test launching missiles capable of striking the United States. Pakistan is surrendering to the Taliban. As for China, they are being very, very quiet, which is the most frightening development of all.
 
President Obama is new to the job, and he has a lot on his plate right now. We can only hope that someone is keeping his or her eye on the big picture, and reminding him that, “Oh baby ,baby, it’s a wild world. It’s hard to get by just upon a smile.”

www.zenithrising.webs.com
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Catastrophe!

While he has encouraged them in only the most oblique of gestures, using the Lincoln Bible for the Presidential Oath, paying Dick Cheney to sit in a wheelchair, and having two adorable children and a glamourous wife, Barack Obama basks in the commentariat’s adulatory comparisons to Abraham Lincoln, Franklin Roosevelt and John F. Kennedy.
 
However, after just two weeks in the White House, mired in the chaos  accruing from the smoothest transition in the history of the world, Obama’s performance thus far bears comparison to a much less successful President. No, not Jimmy Carter, though that’s not a bad guess. I was thinking more of Chicken Little. Now, some might argue that Chicken Little was never elected President. That’s a good point, but it doesn’t change the simple fact that THE SKY IS FALLING! THE SKY IS FALLING!
 
That, at any rate, seems to be the message Obama is trying to hammer home. Because some mean spirited Republican Senators are trying to trim a paltry one hundred billion dollars from a seriously bloated and  incredibly expanding “stimulus package,” our President finds it necessary to warn that “if we drag our feet and fail to act, this crisis will turn into a catastrophe.”
 
This morning on “The Washington Post” Op-Ed Page, he crowed that, barring hasty, ill-considered action, “our nation will sink deeper into a crisis, that, at some point, we may not be able to reverse.” Think of that statement for a moment. A crisis we may not be able to reverse? What exactly does that mean? The utter collapse of our entire economic system? Will our civil society, or what is left of it, vanish? Will we be reduced to huddling in the dark in our sod-roofed cabins, scraping out a tattered existence from our three-acre plots? Or will crops no longer grow? Will the sun die out? Will Obama fail to deliver on his promise to halt the rising sea levels? Will human life itself be blotted out from the planet?
 
What exactly does an irreversible crisis mean?
 
On the other hand, dutifully playing my role in a postpartisan culture, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. After all, he’s only been on the job for a couple of weeks, he doesn’t have a lot of experience, and most of the people he tapped to advise him during the smoothest transition in the history of the world are stuck in line down at the IRS office trying to get an extension.
 
There he is, stuck all alone in the White House, with only Joe Biden to tell him what to do (and Biden keeps saying, “Go back on TV, ‘Rack. You know, like FDR did. Tell them the only thing to fear is confidence itself.”) Then he turns on CSpan and he sees Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi warning that “every month that we do not have an economic recovery package, 500 million Americans lose their jobs.”
 
 
No wonder he is panicking. Maybe THE SKY REALLY IS FALLING.
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Splish-Splash

News of Michael Phelps’ exploration of alternative training methods might have been overlooked, coming as it did during the Super Bowl Hype Crescendo. Speaking of which, the hype was so intense this year, for a minute I thought they were doing another Inauguration. But for those of you who missed it, the English rag, “News of the World” (think “National Enquirer” without a social conscience), published a photo of Phelps holding a bong, or “marijuana pipe” in the endearing terminology of my local paper.
 
The revelation prompted a couple of questions. The first is, why does this come as a surprise? Do you recall the much-discussed Phelps training diet? Two large pizzas, followed by a plate of nachos washed down with a Mountain Dew, and then another large pizza? This is a classic case of the munchies. This is the training diet of every stoned-out slacker in the world.
 
But how, you may wonder, could he swim so fast? The answer, of course, as many parents of teen-aged boys know, is even stoned-out slackers can move quickly when they need to.
 
The second question is a bit more serious. It has to do with a sense of propriety. While a frat house party may not be the most private setting in the world, it is still far less than a public venue. For someone to snap a photo with their phone at a private party constitutes a violation of trust. Surely, even the “News of the World” ought to recognize the impropriety of retailing such a violation. Even if that shameless rag lacks the barest shreds of human decency, and in fact derives the bulk of its income from such a dearth, what once was known as legitimate media outlets ought to operate on a higher standard.
 
Perhaps the argument can be made that Phelps, by virtue of his unprecedented athletic achievement, has sacrificed the right to privacy. One can argue further that, it being illegal, his consumption of marijuana is a legitimate news story, regardless of who first aired it.
 
Consider then the tale of young Prince Harry, third in line to occupy the British throne. Four years ago Harry wore a Nazi Uniform to a costume party in London. This was indisputably a private affair, and unlike Phelps, Harry was not breaking the law. A guest violated not just another guest’s privacy, but the trust of his or her host by snapping a photo and selling it to “The Sun” (sort of a “classy” version of “News of the World”).
 
The ensuing furor proved to be little more than a tempest in a teapot, and matters were quickly settled when the Prince apologized. One can argue that he demonstrated poor judgement in sporting such attire. Then again, one could also argue that he was only 20 years old at the time, and should have been forgiven a youthful indiscretion.
 
One could further argue that, since Mel Brooks’ “The Producers” was the talk of the town at the time, and there were billboards featuring Nazi uniforms plastered all over London’s West End, the lad could be forgiven for not understanding that the mere sight of the uniform would be viewed as a grave offense to human decency. Surely his wearing the uniform to the costume party referred to the play, not to the war.
 
But the primary offense remained, and obviously, remains today, the utter lack of respect and decency in our mediacentric culture.
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Take My Idol . . . Please

A grateful nation took time out from their daily hand wringing sessions this week  to celebrate the latest edition of “American Idol.” No, that’s not the title of a new Barack Obama biography by the editorial staff of “Newsweek.” In fact, it is a television show in which a panel of Hollywood has- beens presides over the wretched wailings of desperate Grammy-winning wannabes. Apparently “American Idol” provides millions of viewers with hours of nonstop entertainment, as well as creating a new Pantheon of household names such as Kelly Clarkson, Nikki McKibbin, Fantasia Barrino and William Hung.
 
Lost in the sturm und drum of recycled pop tunes, and the cacophony of off-key chanteuses clutching and grabbing for the Golden Ring of fleeting stardom, is the emerging crisis of a celebrity glut. Each year “American Idol” joins with “The Bachelor,” “The Bachelorette,” “Survivor,” and a couple dozen other woefully misnamed “reality tv” shows to generate a spate of second tier celebrities.
 
These flashes-in-the pan are forced to compete for space in magazines, tabloids, and even daily newspapers, without which, they will die. Even though the number of publications dedicated to preserving these desperate celebrities increases daily, there isn’t enough room in them to keep the burgeoning ranks of celebrityhood healthy. Add to this the environmental damage wrought by celebrity mags through the slaughter of trees to produce the paper, the pollution from ink manufacture, the energy spent printing them, and the deadly carbon dioxide emitted by delivery trucks, and we are truly confronting a crisis of epic proportions.
 
To make matters worse, while the United States is awash in celebrities, there are places in this world which suffer from a critical dearth of celebrities. Some countries, such as Iran are so celebrity-impoverished that they are reduced to celebrating ancient Imams who died more than 700 years ago. In other countries, like Somalia, little children go to bed at night with no hope of ever having a Ruben Studdard poster on their wall. It is little wonder that they grow up to be pirates. Imagine how many more opportunities they would have if they had, say, a picture book devoted to the “Love Boat” cast reunion.
 
In fact, US intelligence figures suggest that the recent pirate attack on a Cruise Ship off the Somalian coast was the result of a misunderstanding. Apparently one of the pirates, scoping the ship through his Zeiss binoculars, mistook the portly, balding cruise ship captain for Gavin MacLeod. “It’s Captain Steubing,” was heard to cry just before the boats were launched. If only he had Clay Aiken’s latest release on his i-pod, that foray might never have happened.
 
It’s not just Somalia and Iran which are celebrity deprived. Consider Rwanda, Zimbabwe, even Venezuela and Bolivia. It is almost impossible to find a magazine featuring the comings and goings of Brangelina, or Nicole, or Paris, or even Madonna. If only they had the opportunity to discuss Jen’s recent (and disturbing) weight gain, then maybe they would have left their machetes in the shed.
 
Even though President-Elect Obama will have his hands full once he takes office, dealing as he will with the worst economy in the history of the world, an ongoing bloodbath in Iraq, and a world still venomous in their hatred of us thanks to the cowboy diplomacy of George W. Bush, perhaps no issue will be as momentous as America’s celebrity glut, and the growing imbalance between celebrity rich and celebrity poor countries.
 
It is time to spread the wealth around. The world will be a much better place if we can find a way to share our superfluity with those less fortunate. President Obama can begin to close the great divide by instituting a program in which some of our celebrities are given, free of charge, to Zaire, Myanmar, and North Korea. If it were me, I’d start with Randy Jackson, Simon Cowell, and Paula Abdul.
 
Just think, we’d all be better off.

www.zenithrising.webs.com
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Surgeon General: Heal Thyself

 

www.zenithrising.webs.com

Rep. John Conyers, the Democrat who chairs the House Judiciary Committee has criticized the rumored nomination of Dr. Sanjay Gupta to be the next Surgeon General of the United States.

(Conyers’ wife, Monica, incidentally, is the President of the City of Detroit City Council. She was in the news recently when it was revealed that the Council’s security costs have doubled since she took office, in part because she requires two bodyguards to accompany her at all times. Her spokesperson justified her need for a posse by stating, "She absolutely needs that security. She is a woman. She can't protect herself in many instances." Her helplessness may come as a surprise to the many people with whom she has had run ins lately, including the member of the City’s Pension Fund Board, whom she threatened to shoot.)

But that’s another story. The reason her husband claims to oppose Gupta’s appointment is lack of experience. "It is not in the best interests of the nation to have someone like this who lacks the requisite experience," Conyers wrote. (In fact, scuttlebutt has it that the real reason he opposes Gupta is that he prefers someone else, Dr. Herb Smitherman, Jr., for the post.)

It is passing strange to think that he is concerned about the level of experience for what is essentially a public relations post, but he wasn’t at all bothered by the even greater lack of salient experience boasted by Barack Obama. One might argue that the position of President of the United States is even more important than Surgeon General. But then again, this is John Conyers we’re discussing. When he ran for Detroit Mayor some years ago, Conyers said, "When I am Mayor, I will treat everybody the same, be he white or be he black, be he gay or be he straight, be he he or be he she."

Still, one has to wonder what it is about Gupta’s career which renders him unfit for duty as the nation’s chief health care shill. Gupta received a medical degree from University of Michigan. He is a neurosurgeon in Atlanta, serves on the faculty at Emory University’s medical school and is CNN’s medical correspondent. Sounds like a lot more experience than our new President has.

The job of Surgeon General, which was established in 1871, is ostensibly to run the Public Health Service Commissioned Corps. In fact, what the Surgeon General does is make public statements about issues pertaining to health. In other words, it’s the same thing he does on CNN, only in the new job, he’ll get to wear a uniform.

A better reaction to Gupta’s rumored nomination is not to criticize the choice, but to question the need for the office. In fact, the Surgeon General doesn’t make policy, doesn’t run anything, and has no power or real authority within the Health and Human Services Department. The Surgeon General is essentially dead weight. At a time when we are contemplating trillion dollar deficits "for years to come," perhaps it is time to amputating dead weight from the federal bureaucracy. The Surgeon General’s office is a good place to start.

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Generally Accepted Recounting Principles

By now the American public has grown so accustomed to the liberal Democrat chant, count every vote–as many times as needed, that the comedian’s amazing come-from-behind victory over Republican Norm Coleman up there in Minnesota hardly raises an eyebrow. This is only natural as it reaffirms the essential quality of the American democratic process, which is that in any close race the votes must be counted and recounted until the correct result is attained.
 
Clearly, the correct result is the one where the Democrat has the lead. At that point, all counting must be halted. While some cynics might claim that this process is tantamount to manipulating the electoral process for narrow partisan purposes, their reading is fatally flawed. Democrats keep searching for missing votes, in the back seats of cars, in garages, tucked inside the Great Karnak’s turban, not because they want to steal an election, but as a tribute to the intelligence of the American voter.
 
If you accept the underlying premise of partisan Democrat politics, that only a fool would vote for a Republican, then it is easy to see why they continue to hunt for and fabricate votes for their candidate. To do otherwise is to accept the premise that Americans are idiots. And who would want to do that?
 
This faith in the wisdom of the voters is what compels liberals to insist that all ballots be counted, even if they are despoiled, improperly marked, or, in the case of absentee ballots, missing the all-important signature. How can you deny someone the right to engage in the most precious, sacred, and important rite of democracy? Just because the absentee ballot announces in bold, black letters that failure to sign the ballot, or the envelope, will result in its invalidation is no reason to exclude that ballot from the count. Especially if it comes from a precinct with heavily Democrat voting patterns. Just because certain voters are apparently incapable of reading and following simple instructions doesn’t mean they lack the wisdom to make the correct decision about their, and their nation’s future. And the fact that the majority of these improperly filed ballots contain votes for the comedian simply proves the wisdom of the voter.
 
Now that canvassers have picked and chosen which results to accept and which to reject, and the comedian has finally moved ahead, it is time to end this matter. Instead, Coleman and his people, in a classic demonstration of unsporting behavior, are threatening to sue. If  they manage to find a judge in Minnesota willing to allow him or herself to be swayed by such arcane notions as fairness and legality, all this will do is draw the process out even further. They will force the Democrats to go back to their trunks and their ice fishing shanties in search of another overlooked box of ballots. This will take more time, and prevent the comedian from joining his equally qualified colleagues such as the heiress from New York and the nonentity from Illinois in their gallant efforts to save our nation.
 
It is time for Norm Coleman to give up. The people of Minnesota have spoken, some more than others, and what they have said is they would rather be represented by a comedian than by a professional. So let them.
 
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GOP: Include Me Out

Fresh off their latest electoral debacle, having seen the latest erosion in the once Solid South, those few Republican leaders not currently in prison or busy appealing their convictions, have embarked on a new strategy of ensuring that the Industrialized Midwest will henceforth be as solidly blue as the monochrome Northeast. As Pepper Brooks said in “Dodgeball,” “It’s an interesting strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off for them.”
 
It wasn’t so much that the bulk of Republican Senators scuttled the woefully misnamed auto industry bailout, as it was the manner in which they did it that has alienated the remaining embattled Midwestern Republicans. When Alabama Senator Richard Shelby groused about asking his taxpayers to help “support the competition,” Michigan Republicans felt the chill of realizing their putative allies were throwing them under the proverbial (foreign manufactured) bus. The very idea that okra-munching dinosaurs like Shelby would elevate the interest of Japanese and German automotive behemoths above those of millions of their fellow citizens, thereby threatening to plunge the American economy into a depression, was unconscionable to them.
 
I have heard several people, who had remained loyal to their party in the face of the Obamaniacal juggernaut, remark that “It is getting really hard to keep calling myself a Republican.”
 
The Southern claque of the Republican party’s behavior epitomizes the series of blunders which culminated in the debacle of the 2008 General Election. They dressed up their pursuit of narrow self-interest in the tattered threads of principle. It would have been easier to accept if Bob “Cornpone” Corker and friends had displayed even the semblance of sorrow or regret when they announced that they were scattering the bones of the American auto industry to the wind. If they had expressed regret that their belief in free market economics forced them to vote the way they did, perhaps Midwestern Republicans could have understood, even grudgingly admired their forthright stand.
 
Instead, the NASCAR Nullities announced their collective decision with gleeful disdain. Their barely concealed contempt evoked nothing so much as the oft-repeated cry, “The South Shall Rise Again.” They expressed no regret, rather the bloodlust of the Parisian mob as another victim of the Directorate was forced in place beneath the glistening steel blade of the guillotine.
 
“Where do we go from here?” Michigan Republicans are asking. Do we run to the embrace of the glamorous, clueless, rejected-by-Team-Obama Governor Jen-Jen Granholm? Do we adopt the belief that the end of free market capitalism is in fact a good thing? Or do we simply change our minds about card-check union organizing, and sit back and enjoy the show while Toyota, Nissan, Daimler, BMW and all the rest of the transplants pull out of the South before the UAW can turn their plants into the sort of sclerotic union sinecures currently choking the life out of Michigan’s economy?
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Everybody's Talkin' at Me

Following its successful debut, C-Span’s hit new reality show, Survivor: Detroit, returned to Washington last week for its second season.  Season Two saw the same hapless cast of three CEO’s and one plucky union boss facing another bout of mockery and condescension from the panel of utterly clueless celebrity judges.
 
The star of Season Two was undoubtedly Representative Carolyn McCarthy, D-New York who made three game stabs at asking GM CEO Rick Wagoner a coherent question. Viewers howled in delight at Wagoner’s ham-handed attempts first to figure out what she was asking, and then trying to answer what he thought her question might be. That was funny enough, but then it really got hysterical when she chided him, saying, “You really need to learn to speak a language that the American people can understand.” Wagoner received bonus points for neither laughing nor bursting into tears.
 
Not to be out done, Representative Gary Ackerman, D-NY, answered another panelist’s remark about the humiliation the Survivor: Detroit contestants must feel having to take advice from people “who never ran a car company,” by saying, “If it softens their perception, they should just look at it as taking advice from people who never lost a billion dollars.”
 
What a scream! This was better than “The View.” Actually, Ackerman was right to prate about never losing a billion dollars. He is part of the management group running an enterprise that is slated to lose one trillion dollars this year, not one billion. (He’s also part of a management team which has looted his organization’s pension fund, using those assets to fund its operating budget, but that’s the subject for a different Reality Show). Here was a crucial clue as to how to speak a language that the American people can understand.
 
In the future, the Detroit Big Three should forgo announcing losses. They should just call them budget deficits. That way it doesn’t really matter. Next quarter, instead of announcing another (boring) $15 billion loss, GM should just announce that the deficit had grown to $15 billion, owing to increased “entitlement” expenditures. Wagoners can then reaffirm his commitment to “balancing the budget” sometime in the future, and everything will be jake.
 
After the show ended, the critics started weighing in. When asked which contestant should be “voted off the island,” Senator Chris Dodd, D-Conn, picked Wagoner, saying, “I think he should be gone.” It makes sense. Anyone who has contributed to Michigan’s eight-year-long recession by laying off tens of thousands of employees clearly doesn’t understand what it takes to transform his company into a leaner, more competitive operation.
 
Obviously, if he wants to reposition his company to reflect a shrinking market share, Wagoner  needs to do more than slash employment, shutter plants and sell off assets. He should follow the example of Ford CEO Alan Mullaly, whose strategy has gained Dodd’s public approval. Mullaly’s approach involves slashing employment, shuttering plants and selling off assets. He speaks a language that the American people, or at least one Senator, can understand.
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